like little children …. innocent and pure
to be free …. and ever obscure
laughing and living life beautifully
so solemn and im serenity
that is life…. a piece of art
untamed… like my wild wild heart. Continue reading →
my heart aches so much not because of what you do not because of your love for all the female form…. not because you seem aloof not because of your friends… my heart aches so much because you smile because … Continue reading →
when you let me fill your empty walls…
you filled my empty heart
you have made me stand tall
and that made me make a new start
i saw myself as a human being
capable of love and believing
that walls need to crumble down
as my heart ends its frown.
i am not looking for something
but something stirred up inside me
maybe it would be worth trying
maybe i should just wait and see.
you had the key ….so unexpectedly
my walls fell down the ground
like a crashing tidal wave
the fortress i thought
i would bring to my grave
the walls i have long fought.
left me yearning to love you more
and the fear of loving you
has brought me up and back to the floor
as i reach for the pieces
of the walls you let fall
to let me in… inside your heart
inside your mind… body and soul.
i never allow a person
to ever get near me
and see the tears go on
an on and on freely.
i can feel. i can love
but i remain cold out and above
beneath the ice though
is a fire that only i know.
i can conceal
and never reveal
wouldnt even dare
take off my mask
and let them know i care.
the paint brush would swoop
colors in circles and a loop
paint my smile and my joy
blissfully like a child with a new toy.
the pen flows freely on a pad
when the tears fall and i feel sad
but then…only a few would ever know
what goes on inside me….
and so i put on a great show
of strength and bravery.
no i am not tamed….
but i learned to train
my darkness and turned it into light
and vowed to radiate so bright.
no. i cannot be tamed at all
but you can ride with me and take a fall
….i only promise you i would be there
always…. if you dare.
its the life that i have come to love
freely…openly…. sent from above
it is the only life that is worth the ride
with only my heart as a guide.
and your beautiful restless soul as our compass
live each day like it was the last….
if you take all of me….
my darkness and light….
my unconquerable soul…
and my inner child
come away with me….
where we can both run free and wild.
I feel sorry for the times When you want to open up That loving me isnt such a crime But its your mind you cannot stop. And as you try to justify More than you should I am mystified Because … Continue reading →
Where the smile used to be I cease to wonder in melancholy Where my heart was burning with fervent passion Now breaks in such fashion. Where i mask the tears with glitters And wear the freshness of a heart that … Continue reading →
I cannot explain
How much pain
I feel inside my heart
Like its been ripped apart.
Thoughts of what couldve been
Hold me close in between
Cries of anguish and sorrow
From what we could be tomorrow
But you just stopped calling
And i couldnt stop myself from falling
Than i thought i ever could
And i never really understood
How i let my heart slip away
From something i ran away from
And then one day
What i fear…it has become.
I ran away because i got scared
From the beating of my heart
When you and i have shared
Silent moments right from the start
But we never had the perfect time
To commit the perfect crime
For fear that my heart would break
Because i cannot calculate
How much i would feel for you
I might give it all …and it is the wrong thing to do
And i was so right
But the day came and i could no longer fight
I was left without a choice
I had to take the leap
When i heard my own voice
That it may not be too steep.
Now left alone…
With the pain i have never known
The only constant reminder
Of the friendship that forever
Stained and betrayed my heart
When it hoped to start
To feel the love that you held back
To give you the love that
Only i can give…
Like a memory from a dream
That i have forseen
The pain i hold close like a second skin
Envelopes me with the memory
….as i remember all that couldve been.
I dont like what i see
When i look at myself straight in the eye
The fear and the uncertainty
Is something that i so defy.
For everything that i would give
Only to be able to re live
The life and zest that sparkled
and radiates to behold.
Fear is foreign to me
I loathe the days when i see
Fear masked with security
Creeping out of the black circle
Emptied and hallow unacceptable.
I worked so hard to be so fearless
And made sure i am to be harmless
But when things spiral down i recall
I cannot always be in full control.
So i sink back in and try to sulk
Drown all my sorrows and evoke
All the good possibilities i can hope.
For somewhere deep inside i know.
There is light behind each shadow
That i will come across today
This may or may never really stay.
So lost was i then . And i now feel
Like running around in circles that seem ureal
Like the air that i breath in
I wear the mask of strength like a second skin.
I may fool other people and they believe
I am to be strong and not grieve
But there are the very few
That i could never really lie to.
I may laugh and still be the same
Play along and cover the shame
That fear has caused me to hide
The light inside that never leave my side.
These few i hold close to my heart
Are the very ones who is very much a part
Of my soul and they give me strength
To endure anyting at any length.
I refuse to lean on to them
But there are times when i stem
Out of proportion and reveal
The fear that i think is never real.
I know this happens for a reason
Why i go thru what i have to
I may or may never be able to fathom
Its just really something that i must do.
So if you ever walk my path… and still see me smile
Dont let the curve fool you even for a little while
You will only see what i wanted to show everyone
But my eyes can only tell you the truth
…look into my eyes to see if the fear is gone.
I have been reading the celestine prophecy. At the start.. it states that humans are suffering from restlesness we cannot understand. So we instead of sitting still and feeling the peace within.. we hurry up and find security in all the wrong places possible. I understand it perfectly well. Even when things have been so smooth in my life before.. something stirs up inside me and i cannot just be still. Its like i have an incessant hunger and thirst that no amount of food and water that money can buy cannot quench it. Relationship covered it when it was new.. but then… i was back to first stage. Until i have come to build a relationship with myself and my art. Only then i have quenched and understood and found what i was looking for.
Situations suck… its basically downhill.but that didnot stop me from being positive and whenever i possibly can.. i choose to help those in need more than my own luxiory. It brings a deep feeling of fulfillment and bliss that lasts longer than anything else…
And the abundance ….and life seems to happen right before my eyes… like magic… 🙂 i became more open to all the possibilities that life and the universe provides… for example… i called my dad and asked him to send money for my daughters allowance and food tomorrow and he said he’ll send tomorrow. But i insisted that he send today… even if it isnt cash.. like rice and fresh veggies instead of the money.. and the very second i sent my message… not even 30 seconds… my brother was downstairs… with rice and fish and other stuff from the farm from my grandmother. I intentionally didnt want my daughter to see me worry about basic needs being unmet due to his dad’s business. Lean months is always a chance for us to humble ourselves…
So as i write this. I am thinking of a really special person whos always been close to my heart… having little and not enough to keep us afloat make me realize how life seems to be unfolding to our hearts’desires…..
And my first love… J… we came to a closure …our relationship have become platonic. True love indeed… we have surpassed the jealousy and all… but we just couldnt find balance and we werent inlove anymore. The romance died and he was a preparation too for where my heart and soul is. This cute young couple friends hanging out… in silence. I know why i used to make them on their backs facing us… its because i turned my back on the possibility of something beautiful to unfold.
Once in a while
I hear a note or two
I close my eyes and smile
And i think of you.
You wrapped my heart around
With the most heavenly sound
I play with the memories
It seems crazy but i cant resist.
You make my heart sing a song or two
I wonder how id ever get through
All the storms that life had showered
Wishing that i would always remember
Every little detail and i would paint
Wonderful colors without restraint
Its hard to believe that im going through this
My heart sings…
When im playing with the memories.
Invictus Out of the night that covers me, Black as the Pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be For my unconquerable soul. In the fell clutch of circumstance I have not winced nor cried aloud. Under … Continue reading →
how i miss my writer’s nook
where i hide my fantasies behind a book
i ventured out on colors and canvas
i thought it would just pass.
but no it didn’t, i became an artist
i write, i sketch, i draw and paint
words and colors, i cannot resist
stop me… and i feel restraint.
i have outdone myself now
i know that i have somehow
reached my peak, my growth
i am free… there is none i loathe.
i am free from the pain
when i learn to let go… really let go
i thought i was going insane
when i did what i never know….
i am a soul… i am living in my soul.
i am whole… completely whole..
a son will always see
his mother beautiful and pretty
… a mom will always be
his first love wherever he will be.
a mother will love her son
and be there for him even when gone
a love so true, come what may
her love will always stay…
as a mom, i know i am not perfect. i am not, and never will be a stepford/stewart mom. i tried to be one, succesfully but at some point, i felt restrained, stressed and a fake. it wasnt me. i was doing it to portray an image of the perfect mother, perfect family, perfect wife… but, who was i really?
until i became who i am… i know, i may never be the perfect mother, perfect step mother… perfect wife… but i know my kids and my step kids love me more now than the uptight stepford mom i was… i am more than a mother to them. i became their friend. i am a cool mom…
sometimes… its better to be a friend to be able to get to know them better. but we have to set our minds that friendship requires honesty and trust. its not important what other people will say… be a friend just because we are good people. not because we want to know everything and have something to judge them with. thats a cruel thing to do. especially when you act all sincere and real…..
all i want is for my children and steppies to say when asked whats your mom like?
i want them to answer: she’s a great person…
that alone includes a mom, a wife, a friend…. being a mom is a blessing….
we are not entitled to use that previledge to use as a power against our children. they also have to be free. to be themselves. to be able to fall down and learn.. and still love them.
in the mornings where the sun
almost rises i have gone
to a place in timeless dream
where the sky is a little serene.
and the light seeps through
a cloudless form of pink and blue
like fire…. where angry skies
seem calm… i’m mesmerized.
when we love, we love without conditions.
we give whatever we can
because that’s where our light comes from.
it doesnt diminish us
even if we’ve been hurt in the past
because when we give, dont forget
there wont be any regret.
when time comes that we’ve been lifted up
be thankful for all that you got
and when someday, they realize
how much fire in your eyes
that they light up the world…
with your treasured heart of gold.
the pain, we lose
the lessons we keep…
and love again…
to be able for us to lift.
when you love someone. there are no need for words.. when they left. know its not about you. its about them. there are just things that needs to be taken care of. and when they come back, and you’ve gone far…. the only way to go higher… is to help …. and lift them up…
life can be
a little close to formality
that we cannot
shed off some skin
and rebel from what is seen
to be right even if
it may cause some rift
as long as you go for the shift.
the shift to be higher
and stronger than you
to unleash all your power
to be nothing but true.
freedom to love and to create
the love that people love to berate
let it go and just be
true to your core
regardless of the freakin’ formality
they didn’t know there is so much more….
take the plunge… do the dive
let it go… be sooo alive.
sigh… its the most romantic thing
i have ever seen
its just like the movies…
its the most beautiful kiss.
if it wasn’t raining…
there would be
colored fireworks in the air
just as the float and not a care
in the world but their own
must be great to fall in love
head over heels like you’ve never known….
and be with him
just like a dream…
like in fairy tales
i want to be with him..
like in the movies..
i want the most beautiful
the most romantic kiss.
its never too late
no matter how long we wait
to tap in to our inner child
the part of us that forget
and let our soul run wild.
be who we were
the child who never cared
but who loved so deep and true
the child burried inside me and you.
let her out and let her see
that the world and life
is once again so wonderfully…
and beautifully awesome!
take the plunge and take the risk
for tomorrow comes in a whisk
… call out that beautiful feeling and be wild
tap in to that hidden
a mother’s love go beyond
a story to remain untold
the love that can hold the world
inside for the daughter to behold,
little ones would soon grow
and we know when its time to let go
let them live the life they feel
sometimes may it be against our will.
but to let them live and be
we give them the highest love
should we ever try… set them free
and that would be the best they have.
freedom to live a life so vast
beyond out control…
something we have to let pass
let them be… let them taste it all.
to shield them, we dont allow
to let them feel it all somehow
let them take the risk, let them taste the plight
even if we have to.. let them try to fight.
respect their choices
and let them try
to listen to their own voices
and hear their own cry.
to go against it…
is like living but wanting to die.
we gave them life…
we gave them love
its time to give them the best
that they could ever have…
and that is to live.
to the fullest.
i am all for the freedom of my kids. it may seem irresponsible and illogical sometimes but i believe and i feel in my heart that for me to be able to let them live a life worth living, (like me) i have to be strong enough to listen and laugh at other people’s scrutiny. hahahah… at the end of the day, there is nothing worst than to hear some kid complain about their parents… and i believe that my kids are all understanding and supportive and way mature than other parents. (mAybe even more mature than me??)
i believe in my heart, my irresponsibilities are misunderstood for the fact that i am truly blessed financially when it comes to the basic needs. i know that when all needs are being met there has to be a bigger thing in store for that person. i know too for a fact, that responsiblities or not,… i can rise up to the occasion.. 🙂
we are here NOT to make a living… but to simply LIVE.
when we were young,
all we wanted was to grow up
it was a song the heart sang
and it never stopped.
and now that we’ve grown
we live a life we’ve never known….
we meet people an lose them
others we keep, some we grow apart
but the best friends we’ll always keep
are the ones who touched us too deep..