mother and child


♡ ♥ ♡

into you.


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july 2014 sketches. thankful for the creative energies…

♡ ♥ ♡

run wild.


i never allow a person
to ever get near me
and see the tears go on
an on and on freely.
i can feel. i can love
but i remain cold out and above
beneath the ice though
is a fire that only i know.
i can conceal
and never reveal
wouldnt even dare
take off my mask
and let them know i care.

the paint brush would swoop
colors in circles and a loop
paint my smile and my joy
blissfully like a child with a new toy.
the pen flows freely on a pad
when the tears fall and i feel sad
but then…only a few would ever know
what goes on inside me….
and so i put on a great show
of strength and bravery.

no i am not tamed….
but i learned to train
my darkness and turned it into light
and vowed to radiate so bright.
no. i cannot be tamed at all
but you can ride with me and take a fall
….i only promise you i would be there
always…. if you dare.
its the life that i have come to love
freely…openly…. sent from above
it is the only life that is worth the ride
with only my heart as a guide.
and your beautiful restless soul as our compass
live each day like it was the last….
if you take all of me….
my darkness and light….
my unconquerable soul…
and my inner child
come away with me….
where we can both run free and wild.

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♡ ♥ ♡

couldve been.


I cannot explain
How much pain
I feel inside my heart
Like its been ripped apart.
Thoughts of what couldve been
Hold me close in between
Cries of anguish and sorrow
From what we could be tomorrow
But you just stopped calling
And i couldnt stop myself from falling
Than i thought i ever could
And i never really understood
How i let my heart slip away
From something i ran away from
And then one day
What i fear…it has become.
I ran away because i got scared
From the beating of my heart
When you and i have shared
Silent moments right from the start
But we never had the perfect time
To commit the perfect crime
For fear that my heart would break
Because i cannot calculate
How much i would feel for you
I might give it all …and it is the wrong thing to do

And i was so right
But the day came and i could no longer fight
I was left without a choice
I had to take the leap
When i heard my own voice
That it may not be too steep.
Now left alone…
With the pain i have never known
The only constant reminder
Of the friendship that forever
Stained and betrayed my heart
When it hoped to start
To feel the love that you held back
To give you the love that
Only i can give…
Like a memory from a dream
That i have forseen
The pain i hold close like a second skin
Envelopes me with the memory
….as i remember all that couldve been.

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♡ ♥ ♡

Searching. And waiting. And waiting. And loving.


I have been reading the celestine prophecy. At the start.. it states that humans are suffering from restlesness we cannot understand. So we instead of sitting still and feeling the peace within.. we hurry up and find security in all the wrong places possible. I understand it perfectly well. Even when things have been so smooth in my life before.. something stirs up inside me and i cannot just be still. Its like i have an incessant hunger and thirst that no amount of food and water that money can buy cannot quench it. Relationship covered it when it was new.. but then… i was back to first stage. Until i have come to build a relationship with myself and my art. Only then i have quenched and understood and found what i was looking for.
Situations suck… its basically downhill.but that didnot stop me from being positive and whenever i possibly can.. i choose to help those in need more than my own luxiory. It brings a deep feeling of fulfillment and bliss that lasts longer than anything else…

And the abundance ….and life seems to happen right before my eyes… like magic… 🙂 i became more open to all the possibilities that life and the universe provides… for example… i called my dad and asked him to send money for my daughters allowance and food tomorrow and he said he’ll send tomorrow. But i insisted that he send today… even if it isnt cash.. like rice and fresh veggies instead of the money.. and the very second i sent my message… not even 30 seconds… my brother was downstairs… with rice and fish and other stuff from the farm from my grandmother. I intentionally didnt want my daughter to see me worry about basic needs being unmet due to his dad’s business. Lean months is always a chance for us to humble ourselves…
So as i write this. I am thinking of a really special person whos always been close to my heart… having little and not enough to keep us afloat make me realize how life seems to be unfolding to our hearts’desires…..
And my first love… J… we came to a closure …our relationship have become platonic. True love indeed… we have surpassed the jealousy and all… but we just couldnt find balance and we werent inlove anymore. The romance died and he was a preparation too for where my heart and soul is. This cute young couple friends hanging out… in silence. I know why i used to make them on their backs facing us… its because i turned my back on the possibility of something beautiful to unfold.

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Till the skies fall down.
Continue reading

heart speaks.


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I yearn for you.

Continue reading

more restless soul.


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concealed intentions.

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the deception of darkness.

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crab mentality.

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emerging soul.

from dusk till dawn. sunkissed.


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sunkissed.

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dusk till dawn first layer.

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from dusk till dawn

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yinyang koi. (20%)

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a place from my memory. i may not see this place again…but i can always revisit it in my heart.

Living Into Your Life Purpose


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Living Into Your Life Purpose
Fear of Our Purpose

We all have a creative vision and a purpose for our life lurking around in the background of our lives but our every day minds try to keep it out of our consciousness. Our purpose – in a nutshell – is to become who we are meant to become. It is this higher quality of being, this heightened attitude, or this value that we want to live into that is most often different from our family of origin and the circumstances of our upbringing.

Our purpose involves invoking some kind of positive feeling state that we want to become a permanent part of our character – that is most often opposite to how we were raised. What we truly need to heal our families is often what we most fear because we no longer fit into the ego system of winning love that we are used to.

We are all meant to bring something new to life that is a progression and an improvement on how we were raised. We are wired to fit in and we long to be who we really are. If you were to look at all of your dreams and desires, they would have a higher quality of feeling state behind them that you are not fully living into just yet. Likely you feel a conflict between who you were supposed to be – “to get along” and “not rock the boat” – with who you really are designed to be in your purpose.

Opening Up Your Feelings

The importance of finding the feeling state behind your purpose is so you can begin living into your vision everyday. Creativity, for example is one quality that I feel called to live into and so it becomes a way for me to develop my character and give to the world. Creativity helps me loosen my conditioning and my encultured views about what is right and wrong. It has helped me free up my sexuality. Creativity opens my mind to the spirit of new possibilities. Creativity helps me move more easily into “taboo” areas of my consciousness to heal and accept them. Through my creativity I have learned how to see more deeply into life, to be present, to listen within, to be more spontaneous and trusting.

Perhaps you sense your purpose is coming up in your consciousness and you are repressing it right back down again. Perhaps you think your purpose is too big or too ridiculous to follow through on. You may feel you purpose involves being new and different in your family, in your workplace, or in your culture – and you fear not fitting in. We often tell ourselves that we do not have the strengths, courage, talents or capacities to live into our purpose. Or maybe we are caught in blaming other people for how we feel and have conveniently “forgotten” our purpose nearly entirely.

Psychologist Chuck Spezzano writes about how our entire psychology actually revolves around needing to live and then obstructing our purpose. “I have found that about 85% of our problems were constructed as an obstruction to our purpose. The remaining 15% were problems that were necessary to learn lessons vital to our purpose.”

We really do have places to fill in life that are uniquely ours to occupy. This may not always involve being famous or even always making money. But our life purpose always involves giving to life and bonding and connecting with other people in some kind and helpful way. This requires that we move into the greatest strength that we can muster. It involves letting go of old hurt. You could call your life purpose your unique way of loving life and other people. Ask yourself this question, “How do I uniquely want to love give to life?” Be sure to check into where you are afraid. You might even ask, “What do I need to give to life? What am I I afraid to give to life?”

Progressing as a Whole

Having worked in a hospital setting facilitating art for the elderly and interacting with over 500 people including patients and staff, I see that we all have a part to play in the organization of whatever human system that we live and work in. And no one is inessential. Some of the best people I have met are not necessarily the people who are at the top of the organization or who are making the most money. The people who are most on purpose are the one’s who are giving to the reality of their day in an authentic, intelligent and mature way that considers the whole of the situation.

African Elder Malidoma Some puts it this way:

“Every person is sent to this outpost called earth to work on a project that is intended to keep the cosmic order healthy. Any person that fails to do what he or she must do energetically stains the cosmic order.”

When We Don’t Live Into Our Purpose We Become Depressed

Failing to keep the cosmic order healthy in our corner of the world in my sense of it, is the number one cause of depression and anxiety. We are all wired to give to life. What I have found is that we as humans tend to beat ourselves up for not living into some grand looking, far reaching, meaningful purpose that gets us noticed and approved of by others. And so we miss the small essential progressions that must be made in our character and in our practical life so that we can move forward in a daily, incremental way towards a unique contribution.

Life essentially requires that we round ourselves out in all areas and living into our purpose is the fire that burns away all of the “fat” of our psychological hurts, struggles and fears. Every characteristic that we struggle with must be transformed in order to take our larger journey towards our purpose. Each day we are being called by our life situations to grow and to round out our character. Often our life purpose asks us to change in ways that are uncomfortable. It requires that we see our part in everything that has ever happened to us and use our life experience for love and healing purposes. These required changes bring up much psychological material to be healed.

Rounding Out Our Character

We also must progress as a whole regarding the other people in our life. Not everyone can take the journey with us. Often our growth will incite disturbances and resistance in our family of origin and in our immediate family and friendship circles. This does not mean that we write off everyone in our midst, but that we will start to make choices about where we want to focus our positive energy and where it can be received.

Our purpose always involves and affects other people. We are each embedded in life situations where all of our choices have impact. This means if we are not moving forward towards our purpose we need to ask, “What do I need to give to my life situation right now? or “What is life wanting me to give, be, or do right now so that I can move forward in my growth?”

We have to be alert to how we need to change to give meaningfully to the reality of our life as it is right now. This can mean just a small step of starting to exercise so that we can feel more physical and psychological strength for the journey ahead. We all have inklings of how we need to change and grow each day. Following these small steps opens us up to more clues, more clarity, and the magic of a life on purpose. This “following our nose” is how we find our place in the fabric of life. This is how we evolve our life, our purpose, and our world. We sense into what is required of us in the present moment by one small, kind act at a time.

Taking the responsibility to grow in small and healthy ways lifts the burden of our depressions and disappointments off of our loved ones. We free those who love us by choosing to be our best selves. Each day we do what we can to positively uplift the fabric of our life. This is how we evolve as families, as work groups, and as larger and evolving systems. Perhaps the biggest mistake people make in pursuing their purpose is thinking that they can progress as an individual entity and that they step over other people in pursuit of their goals. From our ego selves we want to have a “win” right now. We can easily forget that we are a part of a larger network of connection that needs to progress along with the needs of the whole.

Living Into Purpose in Increments

I think when we are creative people we often see things years and years in advance. It is important to understand that it can take a long time to live into a big vision. I often tell people to vision big. Use your big vision to inspire your passion to grow and change in positive ways. But do not be discouraged if your purpose does not get “finished” in your lifetime. Even if we just choose to embody a quality in the world, such as love, peace appreciation or generosity, we never quite finish. We can live our lives to a point, and then we can inspire other people to carry on or contribute to our mission.

Often we need to live into larger systems and play our one part in the symphony of something much larger that is trying to come into this life. For example I may not be able to change the entire world’s view of the benefits of art and healing, but I have a part to play in my corner of the world. As the Talmud says, “You are not required to finish the work, neither are you free to desist from it.”

Life as a human being is sometimes slow moving and we most often progress by increments. It requires so much to live a full multidimensional life. Everything needs to become enriched on the road to our purpose. Everything needs to become healthier as we become healthier. For those who do not want to accompany us on our journey to truth, health, love and purpose, they have the choice to grow or fall away.

For myself, having long been a prolific creator, I have had to take many side steps to get my family life, my emotional life, and my practical home and working life in healthy and loving order, before I can take the next step towards my creative visions and purposes. Life progresses in wholes.

I have had to take the time to appreciate and celebrate my life the way it is, even though as a visionary thinker, I can see the potentials I have not yet lived into yet – sometimes painfully and acutely. I have learned how to not be so disheartened and to keep my eye on the small immediate steps that life is calling me to. Often it is just an immediate thought, feeling or action that is not in alignment with my purpose that needs to be expressed, accepted and integrated before I can move forward in a positive way.

Patience is Required for the Journey

I encourage people to have great patience. If you were to look at your life 20 years ago you may see many things that you only dreamed of are now a given, practical reality for you now. Even if your life feels drab and heavy right now it is important to see and feel a finer reality for yourself. I have found it very helpful, during dark times to just “pretend” and live as though my purposeful visions are true even as I go about my seeming mundane tasks. This “living into purpose” starts to organize itself in mysterious ways. Creation is very supportive of our creativity and will give us little encouragements affirmations that we are on the right path.

In this way we reach towards our purpose and in turn, our purpose reaches towards us. Lousia May Alcott the writer of Little Women and a “transcendentalist” (early new age spiritualist) – in the earlier part of the century wrote:

” Far away there in the sunshine are my highest aspirations. I may not reach them, but I can look up and see their beauty, believe in them, and try to follow where they lead. ”

I used to feel discouraged by this quote when I was younger because I expected the life that I wanted would manifest instantly. And yet I was also encouraged because I sensed that I needed to have the time to evolve slowly and to make the needed changes – in my character, in my family and in my working world – to be able to live the creative vision and purpose that I have for my personal life.

Learning to Appreciate the Journey

Often we have much to sort out as we learn to live a visionary and purposeful life. I have found that it has taken years for me – to feel clear enough psychologically and emotionally – to be able to focus on my creative visions for significant amounts of my day. In the meantime, I have had to sort out layers of emotional conflicts in my family, in my love partnership, in my parenting and inside of myself. Living into what is personally meaningful – even if it has not fully shown up yet – is what being “on purpose” means.

Living into what is meaningful for you could be as simple as making an attitude change even though at the moment you are not seeing your purpose “on the outside” just yet. If your attitude is one of impatience or frustration that you are not living the life you want, perhaps you could see how it would feel to live into appreciation for what is right in front of you. Seeing the beauty right now invites inspirational clues into your everyday life. What attitude would you change today so that you can begin living into your purpose? A good question to ask yourself is to ask is, “Who would I have to be to live my vision in the world?” Then start to build your character into that quality. Change is possible.

Change Is Only Found in Taking Action

Aster Barnwell, writer and spiritual teacher describes how creating deep changes in our being begins by taking action. Action is absolutely necessary for change and it does not have to be grand and sweeping action. It can be a small daily practice of living into who we want to become with a determined attitude to shift our depressions into positive life appreciations. We can start to see even the tiniest good in each moment and watch it grow into a visionary, creative life. As Aster puts it, when we start to live into the higher aspects of our nature because they recalibrate our being – we begin to sculpt a “new me”.

“Our hormonal and nerve impulses will change to correspond to the new person we are becoming. Once we have achieved this degree of change we are able to do “good deeds” without any expectation of reward. Good deeds are now a natural and spontaneous expression of our beings as a result of our consciousness becoming established at a higher level. We can start by making small changes in our life by focusing on little things.”

full bloom


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full bloom.

Common Traits of the Creative Personality


Common Traits of the Creative Personality
Jack Kerouac once said, “Here’s to the crazy ones, the misfits, the rebels, the troublemakers, the round pegs in the square holes, the ones who see things differently; they change things; they push the human race forward . . . because the ones who are crazy enough to think they can change the world are the ones who do” (Seldes, 1995).

Kerouac could very well have been describing the creative personality, for research has demonstrated that highly creative individuals don’t think or act like the rest of us. They are indeed different, and in quite a few ways.

Link between Creativity and Eccentric Behavior

Do you think that most creative people are a bit “strange”? If so, you’re probably not alone, and, what’s more, you’re right. In fact, according to Shellye Carson, in an article for Scientific American (2011), “People who are highly creative often have odd thoughts and behaviors, and both creativity and eccentricity may be the result of genetic variations that increase cognitive disinhibition—the brain’s failure to filter out extraneous information.” For example, “people who score high for creative achievement in the arts are more likely to believe in telepathic communication, dreams that foretell the future, and past lives” (Carson, 2011).

Creative Individuals Think Differently

In Understanding Creativity: The Interplay of Biological, Psychological, and Social Factors (1998), John Dacey and Kathleen Lennon discuss Edward deBono’s concept of “lateral thinking” and “vertical thinking” (p. 177). As deBono maintains, according to Dacey and Lennon, there is “a distinction between vertical thinking (which means mental operations that move in a straight line back and forth between lower and higher level concepts) and lateral thinking (which means looking for alternative ways of defining and interpreting a problem)” (1998, p. 177).

As per Dacey and Lennon, deBono contrasts lateral and vertical thinking in this manner:

Vertical thinking is selective, whereas lateral thinking is generative. Vertical thinking is aimed at finding the right solution by following one path, but lateral thinking is more concerned with richness than with rightness, and is therefore more likely to generate numerous pathways of thought.
Vertical thinking is analytical, whereas lateral thinking is provocative. Lateral thinkers seek information not for its own sake but for its ability to provoke or shock them. It does not even have to be true, as long as it is effective. (Dacey & Lennon, 1998, p. 177)
While there are other dissimilarities between lateral and vertical thinking, according to deBono, space doesn’t permit discussion of them all, but suffice it to say that it isn’t surprising that research shows that most highly creative individuals tend to be lateral, not vertical, thinkers.

Creative Personalities Explore and Experiment

Dr. Willis Harman and Harold Rheingold, coauthors of Higher Creativity: Liberating the Unconscious for Breakthrough Insights (1994) maintain that one of the traits of the creative personality is the ability to toy with elements and concepts. For example, according to Harman and Rheingold, creative individuals tend to look at colors and shapes, as well as relationships, ideas, and problems, and then form hypotheses. They might ask, “What if I look at this from a different angle? What if I try this instead of doing it the way it’s always been done?” And through this process of exploration, they find novel and innovative ways to make things, accomplish tasks, solve problems, express ideas, or adapt to situations, etc.

Relatedly, Dacey and Lennon cite a study by Guilford demonstrating how of the five operations of the structure of intellect (cognition, memory, divergent and convergent thinking, and evaluation), divergent and convergent thinking are most important in relation to creativity. Why? Because when people employ divergent thinking, they are able to generate a wide variety of ideas and possible solutions, and when they employ convergent thinking, they are able to identify the ideas and solutions that are most viable out of all possible ideas and solutions (Dacey & Lennon, 1998).

Additional Traits of Highly Creative People

According to Dacey and Lennon, of all traits shared by creative people, “tolerance of ambiguity” is a “consistent hallmark,” for it takes “a greater degree of strangeness or ambiguity to cause fear or terror” in such people than in others (1998, p.99). In fact, creative people tend to “find strangeness interesting or exciting rather than frightening,” which fosters within them “the ability to react creatively” (Dacey & Lennon, 1998, p. 99).

Another common trait is “freedom from sex-role stereotyping.” A study by Roe, as cited by Dacey and Lennon, concluded that “. . . high creativity requires that individuals have some of the qualities usually ascribed to the opposite sex.” Creative males, for example, say Dacey and Lennon, might possess “sensitivity to the feelings of others,” normally viewed as a feminine trait, while females might possess assertiveness, normally viewed as a masculine trait (1998, p. 109).

A third commonality is “flexibility.” Citing Smith and Amner (1997), Dacey and Lennon say, “. . . the creative person is flexible in being open to the world, open to change, and prepared to bring about such change” (p. 104).

Lastly, individuals who are extremely imaginative tend to have superior memories, yet they not only possess “the ability to remember large quantities of information but also the uncanny capacity to recognize what is worth remembering and what to avoid storing in the first place” (Dacey & Lennon, 1998, p. 194).

In closing, creativity researcher Frank Barron says, “The creative person is more primitive and more cultured, more destructive and more constructive, crazier and saner than the average person” (Harman & Rheingold, 1994, p. 23). Yet, perhaps the best way to describe highly creative individuals is to compare them to the late Steve Jobs, because they, too, perhaps invariably long “to put a ding in the universe” (Heller, 2011), and although most never achieve that goal on the same grand scale as the founder of one of the largest technology companies on Earth, they yet manage to alter the universe in their own unique way.

Sources:

Carson, S. (2011) The Unleashed Mind: Why Creative People Are Eccentric. April 14, 2011. Retrieved from scientificamerican.com

Dacey, J. & Lennon, K. (1998) Understanding Creativity: The Interplay of Biological, Psychological, and Social Factors. San Francisco, CA: Jossey-Bass, a Wiley Company

Harman, W. & Rheingold, H. (1994) Higher Creativity: Liberating the Unconscious for Breakthrough Insights. New York: St. Martin’s Press

Heller, S. (2011) The Job Jobs Did. New York Times. August 25. Retrieved from nytimes.com

Seldes, G, ed. (1995) The Great Thoughts. New York: Ballantine Books

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serenity.


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om. (93%)

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serenity (97%)

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luck. (this is trying to paint ann orchid but i dont know why it came out like this…lol) definitely nit done yet. i was trying too hard to unblock my creative juices..

little angel.

little angel.


this is for a very special little girl who has gone to heaven to be an angel… though we never met you, i know you will always be around to look after everyone… especially the little kids in the family.

all boxed in and dasies.


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colorfully chaotic

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controlled chaos

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if you live in a box, make sure its a colorful box.

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always you.

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fire and ice

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blooming

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winter bloom.

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practice canvas, the past few days, i kept obsessing on flowers and thinking about my grandmother whom i havent visited for the longest time. i got to see her last march when she came over though.
how she loves to landscape. she was sick the past months.. and i thought to myself how sad it mustbe that she coudnt work on her garden. i planned to give her the blooming since she loves to hang baskets around the house. was thinking of putting it where my grandfather’s urn is. anyway.. my aunt was here a whike ago and she to,d me that she was landscaping and is out in the garden again…. and i got to do this.. finally satisfied with it…

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flowers for grandma.

instagrammed. too.


the week has been pretty disturbing. trouble with husband, nanny, my son.. and to. keep me sane, i downloaded instatext and painted.

instagrammed

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paintings

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my sunshine

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intertwined fate.


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intertwined fate
infinite love
each half of our hearts,
thats all we have.
we are far richer
than we can imagine
with love…
then we can begin

restless soul set.


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letting go.
All the art of living lies
in a fine mingling of letting go and holding on.
Henry Ellis

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let it fall.
a decade of walls, she let it fall
series of numbness…
she thought she had it under control

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restless soul.
Day in, day out… I longed to be completely whole
It just wasn’t enough for my poor restless soul

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restless soul too.
But I chose to deny what my heart was crying out loud
It was deafening but I was just too proud..

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backed into a corner.
i saw the rain fall, and feel the sun shine over
when i was backed into a corner.

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aligned.
For once in my life, I feel truly aligned
Joy and Peace that cannot be defined

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silent scream.
that little voice inside
that whispers a scream
so loud.

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searching.
For I learned to love and it filled the empty spaces in my life,
I realized I could face all pain and strife…
Never again I was like a wandering ghost…
Searching for the life that I lost.

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contentment.
He who is contented is rich.
Lao Tzu

three of a kind.


boredom leads to great ideas… i have always been hard headed. i wouldnt even want to take art lessons because i know i wouldnt be able to absorb the teachers words… (not unless he is da vinci?) … lol…. but i read tips. and i was fascinated with ipmasto and textured canvas so i read and made do what what i have.. (at 3 in the morning… and limited supplies…. hahaha…

remember the dried flowers phase? 🙂 well, its been sitting around the closet ar too long with twigs and dried weeds (not the kind you smoke,. ) well… here it is.. i have finally finally been able to incorporate painting, poetry and dried flowers!!!! (i have yet to practice writing using a paintbrush…but you’ll pretty much guess the idea of a love poem on canvas…. wish me luck and keep the creative juices flowing!!!! 🙂

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art rocks!!!! :-)🍸

serendipitious tweak.


i had a canvas made for a landscape and then, changged my mind. so instead,i places a masking tape in the center… i painted the swirls.. lovers kissing and holding hands in the air or somethign….

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i covered it up when i started on the other half… first i made a nude, cover it up, then the story book world.. and probably covered it 3 times… finally, i decided to turn it upside down coz rhe lower part of the canvas is acceptable.. lol…
so i did the hot hatter… (pardon the splatters on the walls. 🙂

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finally, when im done.. i took off the covered part and loved what i saw…

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🙂

tweaking.


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welcome to my world!! 🙂

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story book world.. not finished yet but i covered it up.. 🙂

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red. i got inspired by a friend who made the mahjong character red his profile pic in facebook… 🙂

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i currently have a thing for red wide brimmed straw hats lately.. 🙂 it drove me crazy the whole week. it consumed my thoughts and nobody can talk to me for a time coz i was so obsessed with painting a hat to my liking. 🙂 gosh… i think i finally have an explanation of my craziness. lol

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sometimes a heartbreak is louder than a beating drum.

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practicing shading now… and boy do i not suck? 🙂

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i tried to make a hot chic but my heart and my soul wanted otherwise. it turned out ar first that he kinda looked like my late grandfather but it scared me and so i tried to tweak it.. he was so easy to draw.. 🙂

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tweaked version.

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hot hatter.
and we’re back to the hats.