like little children …. innocent and pure
to be free …. and ever obscure
laughing and living life beautifully
so solemn and im serenity
that is life…. a piece of art
untamed… like my wild wild heart. Continue reading
its just not the same anymore…
the silence kills me to my very core
and i shake and i tremble like thunder
i miss you…
screams my heart with such fervor. Continue reading
♡ ♥ ♡
july 2014. ♡ ♥ ♡
only i can light my fire. and only you can fan my flame. and maybe…stir up a little desire and play a little game
i never allow a person
to ever get near me
and see the tears go on
an on and on freely.
i can feel. i can love
but i remain cold out and above
beneath the ice though
is a fire that only i know.
i can conceal
and never reveal
wouldnt even dare
take off my mask
and let them know i care.
the paint brush would swoop
colors in circles and a loop
paint my smile and my joy
blissfully like a child with a new toy.
the pen flows freely on a pad
when the tears fall and i feel sad
but then…only a few would ever know
what goes on inside me….
and so i put on a great show
of strength and bravery.
no i am not tamed….
but i learned to train
my darkness and turned it into light
and vowed to radiate so bright.
no. i cannot be tamed at all
but you can ride with me and take a fall
….i only promise you i would be there
always…. if you dare.
its the life that i have come to love
freely…openly…. sent from above
it is the only life that is worth the ride
with only my heart as a guide.
and your beautiful restless soul as our compass
live each day like it was the last….
if you take all of me….
my darkness and light….
my unconquerable soul…
and my inner child
come away with me….
where we can both run free and wild.
♡ ♥ ♡
“You can go on fighting with this darkness your whole life and you will not succeed, but just a small candle is enough to dispel it. You have to work for the light because it is positive, existential; it exists … Continue reading
Im back… things havent been well lately and i only have my own art as comfort. I learned to sketch using charcoal and graphite when it was too much for me to bring my pastel around…. its been a week … Continue reading
I feel sorry for the times When you want to open up That loving me isnt such a crime But its your mind you cannot stop. And as you try to justify More than you should I am mystified Because … Continue reading
For the first time in years I am scared of solitude As i face my own fears I am soaked with my own tears. I have no escape From the harsh reality But all i can do is wait As … Continue reading
Where the smile used to be I cease to wonder in melancholy Where my heart was burning with fervent passion Now breaks in such fashion. Where i mask the tears with glitters And wear the freshness of a heart that … Continue reading
I never had a problem letting go
But now i seem to hold on
To what was never mine to start with
When i turned my back for so long.
And now i cant do anything right anymore
I keep holding on like waves washed ashore
I let myself believe that i was strong enough
To allow myself to face what i denied my heart
I thought running away would make me tough
In the end…i start falling apart.
Why i didnot see this coming i was blind
From the truth that i crushed and left behind
And now i am faced with this excruciating pain
That i allowed my heart to kiss in vain.
I flee in the past…and i ignored you to death
Not because i wanted to… but because i was too scared
And now as the wheels have turned
I scream your name and bared
My heart and my soul and all that i am
You were the one thing i ran away from
I fear so much inside each time we almost kissed
I fear so much…because of this…
You made me taste my own medicine
It is neither sweet and tasty…
Nothing in between
But the bitterness i detest willfully
Because of the yearning that you left me with
I cannot part all that you made me taste
And still i cannot bring myself to feel with haste.
Because i can never feel otherwise
Even if it may lead me to my own demise
I would still hold a special place for you
In the center of my heart…
Where the pain burned right through
From your heart to mine… and now i start
To think of you dearly and wistfully
I might shed a tear and still know
That what we could have been…
What i hold on to… i am finally letting go.
♡ ♥ ♡
wish that i could cry More than i am used to But my eyes are all dry From crying over you. I sit in silence as i Let thoughts of you linger Wondering how and why I could fall and … Continue reading
I cannot explain
How much pain
I feel inside my heart
Like its been ripped apart.
Thoughts of what couldve been
Hold me close in between
Cries of anguish and sorrow
From what we could be tomorrow
But you just stopped calling
And i couldnt stop myself from falling
Than i thought i ever could
And i never really understood
How i let my heart slip away
From something i ran away from
And then one day
What i fear…it has become.
I ran away because i got scared
From the beating of my heart
When you and i have shared
Silent moments right from the start
But we never had the perfect time
To commit the perfect crime
For fear that my heart would break
Because i cannot calculate
How much i would feel for you
I might give it all …and it is the wrong thing to do
And i was so right
But the day came and i could no longer fight
I was left without a choice
I had to take the leap
When i heard my own voice
That it may not be too steep.
Now left alone…
With the pain i have never known
The only constant reminder
Of the friendship that forever
Stained and betrayed my heart
When it hoped to start
To feel the love that you held back
To give you the love that
Only i can give…
Like a memory from a dream
That i have forseen
The pain i hold close like a second skin
Envelopes me with the memory
….as i remember all that couldve been.
♡ ♥ ♡
I find my own solace As i watch the rain fall from the skies Then i would be able to hide the trace As the tears fall from my eyes. ♡ ♥ ♡
I dont like what i see
When i look at myself straight in the eye
The fear and the uncertainty
Is something that i so defy.
For everything that i would give
Only to be able to re live
The life and zest that sparkled
and radiates to behold.
Fear is foreign to me
I loathe the days when i see
Fear masked with security
Creeping out of the black circle
Emptied and hallow unacceptable.
I worked so hard to be so fearless
And made sure i am to be harmless
But when things spiral down i recall
I cannot always be in full control.
So i sink back in and try to sulk
Drown all my sorrows and evoke
All the good possibilities i can hope.
For somewhere deep inside i know.
There is light behind each shadow
That i will come across today
This may or may never really stay.
So lost was i then . And i now feel
Like running around in circles that seem ureal
Like the air that i breath in
I wear the mask of strength like a second skin.
I may fool other people and they believe
I am to be strong and not grieve
But there are the very few
That i could never really lie to.
I may laugh and still be the same
Play along and cover the shame
That fear has caused me to hide
The light inside that never leave my side.
These few i hold close to my heart
Are the very ones who is very much a part
Of my soul and they give me strength
To endure anyting at any length.
I refuse to lean on to them
But there are times when i stem
Out of proportion and reveal
The fear that i think is never real.
I know this happens for a reason
Why i go thru what i have to
I may or may never be able to fathom
Its just really something that i must do.
So if you ever walk my path… and still see me smile
Dont let the curve fool you even for a little while
You will only see what i wanted to show everyone
But my eyes can only tell you the truth
…look into my eyes to see if the fear is gone.
I have been reading the celestine prophecy. At the start.. it states that humans are suffering from restlesness we cannot understand. So we instead of sitting still and feeling the peace within.. we hurry up and find security in all the wrong places possible. I understand it perfectly well. Even when things have been so smooth in my life before.. something stirs up inside me and i cannot just be still. Its like i have an incessant hunger and thirst that no amount of food and water that money can buy cannot quench it. Relationship covered it when it was new.. but then… i was back to first stage. Until i have come to build a relationship with myself and my art. Only then i have quenched and understood and found what i was looking for.
Situations suck… its basically downhill.but that didnot stop me from being positive and whenever i possibly can.. i choose to help those in need more than my own luxiory. It brings a deep feeling of fulfillment and bliss that lasts longer than anything else…
And the abundance ….and life seems to happen right before my eyes… like magic… 🙂 i became more open to all the possibilities that life and the universe provides… for example… i called my dad and asked him to send money for my daughters allowance and food tomorrow and he said he’ll send tomorrow. But i insisted that he send today… even if it isnt cash.. like rice and fresh veggies instead of the money.. and the very second i sent my message… not even 30 seconds… my brother was downstairs… with rice and fish and other stuff from the farm from my grandmother. I intentionally didnt want my daughter to see me worry about basic needs being unmet due to his dad’s business. Lean months is always a chance for us to humble ourselves…
So as i write this. I am thinking of a really special person whos always been close to my heart… having little and not enough to keep us afloat make me realize how life seems to be unfolding to our hearts’desires…..
And my first love… J… we came to a closure …our relationship have become platonic. True love indeed… we have surpassed the jealousy and all… but we just couldnt find balance and we werent inlove anymore. The romance died and he was a preparation too for where my heart and soul is. This cute young couple friends hanging out… in silence. I know why i used to make them on their backs facing us… its because i turned my back on the possibility of something beautiful to unfold.
Till the skies fall down.
♡ ♥ ♡
ill take you where you wish to go
maybe then…you would know
how i learned to play your heart song…
i will take you back to the place
you wanted to go for so long.
i often wonder which is harder to do to accept the fact that you don’t feel the same way or to pretend that i dont have feelings for you… i sit right beside you and couldn’t concentrate my heart and … Continue reading
This gallery contains 12 photos.
Dream of me
Some things are better left unsaid… maybe someday… ill get my friend back.
The sketches i made… why they used to be on their bacs probably explains because i turned my back on taking a chance with him in 2001. Everytime i do them i could feel the peace that the friendship brings. There is the sweet innocence and the sincerity of an unspoken love between them.
Vulnerability. It makes us run away from all the good things in store for us.
I yearn for you.
Once in a while
I hear a note or two
I close my eyes and smile
And i think of you.
You wrapped my heart around
With the most heavenly sound
I play with the memories
It seems crazy but i cant resist.
You make my heart sing a song or two
I wonder how id ever get through
All the storms that life had showered
Wishing that i would always remember
Every little detail and i would paint
Wonderful colors without restraint
Its hard to believe that im going through this
My heart sings…
When im playing with the memories.
the fire never dims…. if anything but
it will always spark only this time
it will be bottled within and….
waiting… time and again…
for both fire and ice to merge
and let their souls play
the melody that they sang for so long
like the evening sky
from dusk till dawn. Continue reading
oh, cherish and savor every little heartbreak and pain in your heart… love it.. and that would fill the emptiness inside you. Continue reading