alone…LESS IS MORE.
sometimes, we live in a world full of people but have never felt more alone in our lives. we seek out the company of others but have always known that something is missing… its the saddest way to live. because we can make time for other people but never have the courage to face our own selves. that missing part in our lives go unnoticed until we really try to face what is there before us. often times, we blame others for our own misery, throw words in the air like it was a piece of clothing hoping to whisk some of the emptiness inside ourselves. we try to control others because that is so much easier than to control what we feel inside… but until we have learned to get in touch with our own thoughts and feelings, nothing would ever fill in the void.
silence and solitude and melancholy are gifts go unnoticed and unappreciated. what they didn’t know is that those are essential to one’s heart. for us to really know and really accept that something really is missing. and we can go about it. life isn’t all about all the things that people expect of us. maybe they also need to see what is inside for them to really make peace. it doesn’t matter how many times people have hurt us. they don’t really do it on purpose. they just have too much pain inside that sometimes, love became the enemy. but the opossite is actually true. love is the only solution to everyone’s problems within. if they find it hard to love… just because love simply is love. not because you get something in return… or do things the way other people do… it is not always the same. it is not always because one has to be really this or that to love. maybe we jsut love because it is who we are. it is in our nature to just love and give even if the whole world disagrees with you.
i once asked him… how can you still love someone like me? i have hurt you many times over in the past… i have betrayed not only you, but my heart as well. how is it that you are still the loving man i have always looked for in others when we were apart… aren’t you scared?
he answered: i have never felt for anyone the way i feel for you. i have been with a lot of women but none ever measured up to what we have before. if that meant something to me, i know it is also the same with you. i know that even if you are married for 50 times with different men, i know i would still feel the same for you.
and i said… how sure are you that i love you? maybe i am in one of my childish games…
and his answered surprised me. i find comfort and joy in the thought that i have you back in my life even if things aren’t what it is supposed to be. because i may never feel anything for anyone in my life… but when it comes to you, i have so much inside that i don’t know what to do. because i love you so much but i just don’t know how to show it. i’m a man. i am not a sissy… but i know that i am so much happier and because the thought of you loving me is enough to make me alive and to strive to show you all the promises that i broke. and all those promises i broke is the reason why i go on… even in the midst of all these, because i will prove myself and make all those promises to reality. and then, i will constantly remind you for the rest of our days together… for the rest of our lives everyday that I AM RIGHT and you just didn’t give me enough chance to prove myself to you. all we need is time, my love… and i will give you everything that you want..
i asked: why? how do you know what i want in my life? i do not even know what I want…
he said (msity eyed): you want time. and i will give you that… i will be right there beside you, while you write all throughout the days of your life.
and i cried because he knows me better than i know myself… and i can lie to myself…for all i care… but never to him. i guess it really just can’t be one who can feel it. because the same goes with me.
so i guess, it really doesn’t matter at all. currently always alone… but i have never felt happier and more at peace with myself. the gift of separation is the gift of time. and all the days to come… i am looking forward when it is once again time to be together. playing it by ear is fun. frustratingly fun but nevertheless exciting. there are moments when you want to be with them so much but… they really are just there inside our hearts. we never really grow apart… sure doesn’t feel that way with my grandfather and he is gone. he’s just there. he’s just in here. the same way with him. to be separated from him was the time when i was in the company of other people who is only there to make me see NOW, that LESS is MORE.