please keep the pain.


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May 14, 2012

4AM

 

My Dearest Love,

I can’t believe up to this moment I am still missing you. I don’t really mind that you think it isn’t more than this… and I guess that is why I sometimes would like to just forget about everything. But I know in my heart, once it’s been opened… again… I would not let another day pass by without thoughts of you. You know how much I ache to hold you. And to feel you again. I ache so much because I long to feel you beside me. The way our bodies intertwine is the best thing we could ever do to express how much we feel for each other…  And to yearn and ache for you so much… is because you don’t know how deeply I love you and I cannot find any other way to express that love. I cannot even shout to the world how much I love you… and that is even more painful. When I know what we have is so beautiful… and it would be able to show everyone that a love like ours is real ….beyond understanding and beyond thoughts… no logic is ever rational enough to comprehend what we have… what we feel… what we share… but you just have a way of tormenting me… and because of that, I hope that I be blessed with the strength I need to hold on for you. Or to even fight my own demons for you. My heart ache so much from the love that is suppressed inside. It hurts so bad that I cry… it hurts me so much that each time my heart throb, it feels like a knife has been stuck in it. We have proven to ourselves more than we ever needed to. But if you feel rightfully that I must prove myself and my heart to be truthful and not betray you the way it did before, then, I might as well just try to prove to you that I am a different person… I know you have learned to stop taking risks because of what I did to you in the past.  I am changed and I am so much better now than you first knew me. I learned from my mistakes and to hurt you once, I had to live with that pain for more than half my life. I have learned to live with the pain of being so numb that to even feel joy and peace is something that is beyond impossible for me until I had to fall down flat on my face and conquer what I thought would be the most painful thing I ever had to face or to overcome… I never blamed you for my past hurts… I know I am responsible for not being able to understand you as much as I should have… but that is only because I fear to face myself so much. I know I am stronger than you think but because of that strength, I chose to run away… for fear that I might fight for the wrong reasons… or maybe… we still just have to go through all that unbearable and vicious pain of loving each other too much. In order for us to grow into who we are now.

I know I may have said a lot of unkind and un-nice things before but that is only because I want you to be the better person that you ought to be. To be the kind of man that you really are. I want you to reach your highest potential …even if that means I have to give up my heart’s greatest desires — and that is you and my own happiness for you to grow into the brave person that you are… to be noble and to be strong and proud. You mean so much to me and you have taught me the greatest lessons in life and that is how to love… unselflessly, selflessly and unconditionally…

I have run around in my imaginary labyrinth for the past 18 years of my life… I ran away from you. I ran away from my heart. Because the pain scared me. It has caused me to shut down my crumpled heart and I locked it… I never reopened until you came back to my life. I was numb… and I couldn’t feel a thing even as the most painful event of my life unfolded right before my eyes one by one… how is it possible that I feel others pain and not mine anymore? How is it that when I should’ve grieved for my loss, there weren’t any tears I could cry? There wasn’t a scratch in my heart? How is it that when I saw you… my unmoving heart skipped a beat? And my eyes welled every day since the day we saw each other again and the second time? Do you have any idea this was going to happen to me? Have you ever known how much I still loved you when I didn’t know anymore? Was I that blind that I couldn’t have known all this time? When I saw you in passing as I was driving by your street, and my legs turned to jell o and I wanted to vomit and I couldn’t keep still… was I in love with you still then? Even when I talk to your mother about you… and my voice would crack… was I still in love with you then? Would that make me crazy to not even take heed of the warnings that my body was making? Was my heart that cold and hard before you came back to my life? I was a monster inside… and I disguised myself as the person I am not. But I have become to be… a better than the one you left behind. Only to prepare myself for you. Was I stupid to not know of my own feelings?

It was only until recently that I have come to realize everything that I ever had to go through would only lead me back to you. It would only lead me back to the only person I ever ran away from. How could I have let my heart to believe that I do not feel anything for you at all? Were you like me when I was like that before? Have you learned to shut yourself and your heart too? Were your eyes smiling the way they were before you saw me again?  Before I came to you and rushed to the street to hug you… the hug that felt like a second but my friends said it was almost 3 minutes…  were you as lost as I was too? Were you as peacefully chaotic as I was too? Have you felt that empty hole inside over the years you have learned to numb your heart too? Was there ever a time, a small fragment of second that you wander and think of me too? Because I did not do that… even when thoughts of you would cross my mind… I would not allow you to stay there. I would not let you invade the peace I created… a peace that was screaming war against my heart. Have you listened to our songs then? Or like me… I stopped listening to all the songs that would only make me think of you. I stopped everything that would ever remind me of you. I deprived myself from our memories. I shoved it at the back of my head… and only to realize that I buried it deeper in my heart…. And locked it … and bolted it… as I too… bolted with my mind and tried to fix the pain by feeling empty. But my love… now, I would rather feel the pain than be empty inside. I would rather succumb to the pain …the most excruciating and vicious pain that I ever had to endure in all my life… in all the days that I live… I would not give up a single second of the pain in my heart for the numbness and emptiness I lived with all throughout the years.

And as the days go by… I don’t know where this is going… I don’t know what I am fighting for… I don’t know what I am holding on to… all I know is this is something that I am fighting for… for myself, for my heart… for my life. For my love… and holding on to my heart is the only thing I can hang on to aside from the promises you given. And for the love inside your heart that will always be mine ….because you were the only one who ever had my heart… you were the only one crazy enough to steal it… you are the only one crazier than me to put up with me… or … maybe… I am the crazier one to love somebody as crazy as me. Somebody who is ME. We drive each other mad… and there is nothing I could ever ask for… but for us to keep on driving each other mad to be able to appreciate the peace and bliss we could get out of our own madness. But the pain… let it not stop… for I know that for as long as we both feel the pain… we know there is still the love we harbored secretly in the open for each other… for years that love has always been ours alone. It is the love that they die for. the love that I only have the stomach to be lost in. the only love that I read in books and let myself cringe at the thought of you and me in those books I used to read.

 

My love, I will forever and ever be yours alone and truthfully… I bare my heart and soul the moment I allowed myself to be swept in by your charms. To be able to allow myself to be lost in a moment that took me back to the past… to a life where it was full and free to discover and jump past the hurdles in our way. But now, you know better now than to be able to get crazier than I am. I know better now than before. The only thing that stops me from standing firm with my prayers is the pain of missing you. The pain of missing another sunrise each morning. The aching of wanting you with me each full moon or starless night… the yearning of watching the rain fall as we share a large mug of coffee. The agony of wishing each day that I wake up in your arms… the misery of sleeping on my empty bed dreaming of your arms wrapped around me. But I hope this yearning goes on. Even together… and when I hear your voice at the end of the line before we close our eyes to drift off to our dreams… keep that tone forever even as you whisper goodnight when beside me soon. Hold on to everything that we have now. May it be in pain or joy… let it be that way forever…. Because I cannot face another day if the longing and the love is the price we pay to be together… keep that, please… and let me keep my yearning for you even as we share our lives together in the end. And as you feel you will end up alone, you are crazy…. Because you will always have me inside your heart…. And don’t think for one second that I ever thought of giving up. I love you beyond reason and forever… that to for me to stop fighting would make me even madder than you are… we have what it takes to have heaven on earth. We have each other… we have love… we have forever… we have pain… and the bliss will always be ours…

 

Forever yours,

~me. ♥

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3 thoughts on “please keep the pain.

  1. Pingback: war for our love. | ♥ truelovejunkie ♥

  2. Pingback: war for our love. | ♥ truelovejunkie ♥

  3. Pingback: how i come to love the beast in me. | ♥ truelovejunkie ♥

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