this is a journal entry/essay i wrote in 1995. it was one of the longest and most painful break up… and you know that thing they say that it isn’t really us– as a person who writes but our deepest being or our soul who speaks in those written words? and that sometimes, those wishful thinking aren’t just wishful thinking but its our soul telling us and guiding us through our destiny? in all the pieces i have written… there is only one person i have ever promised “FOREVER” and he is also the only one who promised me “FOREVER”…. we just cant seem to stop our hearts from the intensity of our love for each other that i, sometimes rebel ..or used to… the thought of walking away seem to hurt me more than holding on. i know i should let go… but to let go doesnt mean to walk away, right? it just means that we know we are bound for forever… and patience is just the keyword. we were separated for 15 years. had lives apart from each other. 10 years of no communication. nothing. na-da. once, we saw each other accidentally and just said hi. and thats it. oh, but i didnt understand myself why that meeting hyped me up… for weeks! inspite of the unpretty turn of events after that.
this is my essay entitled WHY? — will post it as a verse so that i wont bore you. [cigarettes and lighter ready]
1995, November 18th
i never thought this would happen to us
everything was so bright, so perfect
we never came close to an end.
it was as though heaven destined us to be together
it was like written in the stars.
now i know why some says:
“nobody knows.. you just do.”
i realize… the future…
the most unpredictable even in the world
and stubbornly i asked:
“why did it have to include us
why our future? why?”
in a moment’s blur,
everything was filled with confusion
security and sureness
are replaced with uncertainty.
how i long to hear those words again.
when can we ever make everything clear again?
the closeness of our friendship;
the intimacy of our love…
your love. where is it now?
where are you now?
the best friend i had in my life.
the friend and lover who used to call everynight
just to ask me how i am.
just to say good night
just to hear me say i love you
and just to say i love you too.
the friend to comfort me when i most needed it
to show me how someone cares.
seems to have passed us by.
just like the leaves that wither with time
just like that… just like that.
the friend who never ran out of words to say
always there to listen to my every whims and
struggles in life.
the best friend and lover whom i have found
a great value of life
now seems to be going away…
if not….. already gone.
why? please someone tell me why?
what have i done to deserve this?
all was well and
forever was meant only for the two of us.
but why did it have to end soon?
why did you have to go
why did you leave me here all alone?
the firend, the lover in whom
i gave myy everything to.
the person… not just any person
but the only person who i gave
my pride, my heart, my mind,
my dreams, my love, my soul.
now seems to have gone away…
all that was IT was taken away.
all that i ever loved and
who i belonged to has gone.
for everything that was a part of me
is torn apart.
my heart is shattered into tiny little pieces.
the pain, the agony, the hurt
the misery, the emptiness
God knows how i am suffering with this.
my love, all that was with us and
all that is us is worth coming back for…
because all that we are is
worth waiting for a return.
for a love and forever that is meant for us.
but then again, so stubbornly i asked:
why us? why?
because we have eternity in our hearts.
18th november 1995
21st April 2012
my deares love,
why do i love you so much?
why did i ever let myself that i dont anymore?
i guess i know why.
because i never asked myself that again.
when you left, and when i betrayed you…
i hurt myself more than i did you.
i was hurting too much where
i wanted to die…
because i lost faith in myself
when i turned my back on our love
i have come to dis-trust my self
and i have come to not believe in my heart.
and that is when i stopped feeling.
because when i hurt you,
in return, i gave you my heart.
and i had to live 15 years of my life
wondering why i can never seem to find
the answers. the missing part.
i did not know what that was.
in return, i became a shallow person
i became someone who would go the extra mile
to be able to prove that i care.
that i love. that i fear. that i hurt.
when the truth is… i couldnt find
a single ounce of emotion inside.
i walked the earth like a zombie.
i lived like a robot.
and always let somebody
wind the key at my back.
i have forgotten how to live.
when thoughts of you would enter my mind,
i cannot let you stay there any longer.
and when i think of my lifeless life…
i want to cry my eyes out.
and the funny thing is…
i haven’t cried for the longest time.
i havent tasted my own salty tears
and haven’t felt anything inside
for what seemed like forever.
until you came back in 2011.
you reminded me that
i gave my heart to you
and that is when i began to feel again.
i have always loved you.
i just didn’t know it.
and this isn’t something that i
cannot do without.
it is you who gave life a new meaning
the true meaning.
it is you who i found my purpose here.
i lived only for the time when we were apart
because i believe in a place called forever.
deep down inside,
i know. my soul knew…
i just didn’t know…